Round and round we go!

Sometimes mentees find themselves going round and round, continually raising the same issues but not identifying how they can resolve those issues and move forward – in other words they find themselves stuck.   In these circumstances not only will the mentee become frustrated, but also the mentor can become increasingly frustrated.  So how can a mentor stop the mentee from just going round and round?

First of all, the mentor needs to understand why people get stuck on a problem and then how they can support the mentee to have a breakthrough and move forward:

1. Imposter syndrome – this condition, which was named by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, is rife. It whispers, “you are not good enough”, “you are a fraud” or “you don’t deserve this” – and it starts whispering, or may be even shouting, when someone is being pushed out of their comfort zone.  Clance and Imes describe it as a feeling of “phoniness in people who believe they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement.”

The mentor can help the mentee recognise that these are normal feelings and that everyone has felt like an imposter at one time or another.  Stepping out of our comfort zone enables us to grow and learn.  In addition, provided with the same scenario, everybody will tackle that scenario differently – and in most cases there is no right or wrong solution.

2. “I’m already boots in” – this is where the mentee wants to affect a change but recognises that there are risks which come with that change. So, they justify staying where they are by focusing on the investment they have already made, and that any change would be a backward step for them – after all, things might just get better.

The mentor may want to emphasise that those previous investments still have a value – they will have helped shape the mentee, providing valuable knowledge, insight, experience and skills.  However, we only have one life and it is important for the mentee’s well-being that they do not hold themselves back from change just because of the risks.  It is better to assess those risks, mitigate and manage them – but ultimately move themselves forward to achieve what they want to achieve.

3. “I’m nervous” – the mentee knows what they want to do and even how they should do it, but they are procrastinating because they are nervous about the risks which come with the change. These risks may include financial, emotional, relationships, time, security and how others perceive the mentee.

The mentor’s role is to encourage the mentee to assess each risk and identify how they can mitigate and manage those risks.  Through doing this and ensuring that the mentee has a robust support network, the mentor can help to build the mentee’s confidence. As Theodore Roosevelt, the youngest US President to date, said “believe you can and you’re halfway there.”

4. Caring too much about what others think – the mentee may be conflicted because although they know what they want to do, they don’t want to implement it in case others disapprove.

The mentor will want to firstly explain that it is a good, and natural, trait to care what others think. However, when this trait over-powers the mentee’s desire to make a change, it can be a sign that the mentee is concerned that others will reject them because of the change.

The mentor will want to help the mentee make sense of these fears of rejection: will others actually reject the mentee or is this unrealistic? If they do reject the mentee, can the mentee live with these consequences?

To identify which of the above issues are affecting the mentee, and bearing in mind it may be more than one issue, the mentor needs to tease out of the mentee why they think that they are unable to move forward.  This may require some deep consideration, as it is possible that the mentee does not know or is not able to articulate the reason.  In this case, the mentor’s communication, listening and supporting skills will be fully utilised to help the mentee understand what is holding them back and to stop them from going round and round.

As Albert Einstein said “You can’t solve a problem using the same thinking that created it.”